A year ago today, at about this
time, my newly christened husband and I were arriving at The Palace
Hotel in San Francisco. We were in our wedding attire and upgraded
to the Presidential Suite, it was bigger than any place I had ever
lived. We ordered a pizza, hamburger and a few, very expensive,
bottles of wine and began to unwind. I love everything about that
day, Saturday the 9th of July 2011.
On Tuesday the 12th we
received news that we wouldn't be staying with the Navy. We had a
honeymoon anyway, just not knowing what would come next but feeling
united in facing whatever variable we would be dealt. And we have.
We made plans for our first
anniversary, a return to St. Helena (Napa) on our anniversary date,
wine tasting, just celebrating. Then the F.B.I. called, husband
would be having an interview with them on the 10th of July
and would need to fly to L.A. on the 9th-of July 2012, our one year
anniversary. Plans got rearranged, reservations moved, situated,
adjusted, everything adjusted except my attitude.
I'd just like to celebrate my
marriage without challenge after challenge affecting that sense of
joy. The first year we were so burdened by uncertainty that we did
our best to enjoy our nuptials without worry, and we did ok, but to
face it again, on the day that I'm supposed to just love every minute
and reflect and be feeling great, there is so much stress, due to the
interview, that I feel like I've time-warped to last year, again,
overwhelmed by something being more important than me.
For a year I've looked for a
lesson, if we had gone to Colordo Springs, Colorado, as our pre-separation orders
said, there's a chance we would have lost our home and more, by now.
Alright, but.
I have an amazing life, anything I
want with the person I want most, so why am I so pissed off?
When I left our hotel room to come
to the lobby and peruse the internet, rather than keep him awake, the
song that was playing was Hayling by FC Kahuna (the first song I ever
heard by them, by the way):
Don't think about all those things you fear
Just be glad to be here
Don't think about all those things you fear
Just be glad to be here
Those are all the lyrics, over and over
and over again. Today in the taxi to the hotel, the wedding march
came on the radio, I have never heard it played, other than at
weddings, so how unusual is that. And there's more, coincidences,
lost acquaintances, being across the street from Santa Monica
Highschool where I attended a few classes with, and watched, my
amazing friend Rima graduate from. I'm in a place that I spent so
many summers, from the age of 14, that its like another hometown.
But I'm still angry.
The food, the setting, the company,
the music, the damn weather-nothing could be better unless he was
here with me instead of having to spend this night almost alone so he
can get a foothold in our future. I get it all you writers of love
songs, of sonnets and Tracy Chapman, I get it when you would rather
just have nothing if you can just have the one you love.
That's what I've done a less than
stellar job of communicating-it doesn't matter what job or if there's
a job, it just matters that we have one another.
Please forgive me for sending out
resumes rather than laughing with you on the couch and reassuring you
that no matter our income, your love is our most valuable asset. No,
doesn't feed us, neither do ideals but when our focus is that love,
we have the strength, ambition and motivation to work for more.
This has not been our year in a
nutshell, but in a hotel lounge playing an Astrud Gilberto remix and
serving very sorry excuses for a gin and tonic.
