Tales of the Dreaded Pirate Brothers of Mustache Mountain
A Mother's Treasure
Iron Jenny Vane was swabbing the decks of her family ship, the Iron Falcon when, suddenly, she heard a creak. She whipped around, best she could in her pregnant state, only to find herself staring into the steely eyes of the Dreaded Pirate Brothers of Mustache Mountain.
“Arggh, Wench, we are here for yer treasure!”, Robert the Red sneered as he grabbed her wrists and motioned at Robert the Yellow to hand him some rope. “We're takin' ye ashore to do us some treasure huntin'!”
“Don't be ridiculous,” Jenny Vane sneered back, “do it look to you like I can do any sort of huntin' in me knockered state.” She struggled to free herself from fierce Robert the Red as he began to tie her hands together with the rope he had snatched from Robert the Yellow.
“Knackered, Wench, ye look me a bit on the rotund side but sober still!”
“Not knackered, ye bilge rat with a tongue, knockered! Ye see me size, whaddya think, I just swallowed a whale whole!”
Robert the Red and Robert the Yellow took a good, long, wide look at poor Jenny Vane, and indeed, the woman was as round as though she had been stuck in a giant barrel of rum and had no more than her head, arms and legs hanging out.
“Blimey, me lady,” Robert the Yellow looked sympathetically at her tummy and then bellowed up at her, “Don't make no difference, its off to treasure huntin' or off the plank with yer belly of rum, ye hear!
All the while, below deck, Jenny Vene's sister Pirate in-law, Iron Bess Flint and her husband, Iron Harry Kidd, were hidden and listening. “Should we help her, poor lass?” Bess Flint whispered at Harry Kidd.
“I have me a better plan,” he snickered, “let the heavy laden wench lead them in circles, while we head to Mariposa Cove, then we will see who's treasure be ours by sundown!” Harry Flint threw back his head, his wild mane of hair and beard smacking Bess Flint in the face.
“You may have the pelt of an Australian camel but a smart mate ye are, quiet now til' they finish with her.” The pair stayed crouched in the furthest corner of the ship's brig where they had been laying new straw in anticipation of their raid on Mexico Valley. There was a big, Iron Pirate Family plan to recapture Iron Mann Barracuda and his handsome, stolen lass, Portugal Peggy, who were hiding out with what was rumoured to be more loot than any inhabitant of Piratedom had ever seen. Mann Barracuda had disappeared earlier in the pirate season only to return from the South with Portugal Peggy and the grandest ship ever to grace the seas. It was made of real Portuguese Oak and embellished with jewels, gold and silk sails, at least this is what Mann Barracuda claimed. To all others the ship looked rather dank and drab, not a trace of brass anywhere. Mann Barracuda said he had covered the ship in tar in order to smuggle the great treasures out of Portugal, disguising its hidden glories by building it with the spoils of every man's ship he had ransacked on his journey. When he disappeared from the Iron Pirate Family Lagoon, those left behind vowed to track him down and divvy up the spoils between themselves.
Bess Flint cringed as the sound of a scuffle began above her.
“Ahoy, skullywaggs, what makes thee think I'll be going anywhere with ye! And what makes ye think that if I do, I'll lead you to me treasure?”
Robert the Red squinted at her, then back at Robert the Yellow, “Because if ye don't, our parrots will do thee the favor of making space in yer pretty face fer some wooden eyes!” He cackled like an old drunk woman in a young man's arms, his golden teeth glinting in the sun. “Boys!”, he whistled toward the crow's nest.
Two mangy parrots swooped down, alighting, one on each of Jenny Vane's shoulders. “Wooden eyes, wooden eyes.” they chirped merrily.
Disgusted, Jenny Vane began the short walk to the side of the ship where Robert the Yellow motioned for her to get in a net the brothers had hoisted onto the deck. She shrugged off their taunts, sending the parrots flapping above her ears as she laid herself carefully on her back, into the net.
“Yer one heck of a catch wobbly wench, too bad we can't eat ye ourselves!” Robert the Red made sure she was tightly wrapped in the net then yelled to Robert the Yellow, who was waiting for the signal to start the rusty pulley, “She's ready, hoist the lass up!”
Robert the Yellow began cranking the reel until it rose high enough to pass over the side of the ship. His brother gave Jenny Vane's rump a push and the net swung over the dingy tied to the side of the Iron Falcon, he then waved as Robert the Yellow reversed his cranking and the net began to lower. “Get over there ye stupid swine, don't want her escapin' now do we!”
Robert the Red grabbed a rope tied to a brass nob and shimmied down into the dingy where Jenny Vane had landed with a thud and jangle. “What are ye, full of empty bottles?” He peered down at her, “We'll keep ye there til we get ashore, no need of nuisance from ye in the meantime.” Robert the Yellow joined them, sitting near the back of the boat, oars in hand, he started the half hour row to dry land.