Neurotic Joy Erupteth, 'tis Our First Anniversary

     A year ago today, at about this time, my newly christened husband and I were arriving at The Palace Hotel in San Francisco. We were in our wedding attire and upgraded to the Presidential Suite, it was bigger than any place I had ever lived. We ordered a pizza, hamburger and a few, very expensive, bottles of wine and began to unwind. I love everything about that day, Saturday the 9^th of July 2011.

     On Tuesday the 12^th we received news that we wouldn't be staying with the Navy. We had a honeymoon anyway, just not knowing what would come next but feeling united in facing whatever variable we would be dealt. And we have.

     We made plans for our first anniversary, a return to St. Helena (Napa) on our anniversary date, wine tasting, just celebrating. Then the F.B.I. called, husband would be having an interview with them on the 10^th of July and would need to fly to L.A. on the 9th-of July 2012, our one year anniversary. Plans got rearranged, reservations moved, situated, adjusted, everything adjusted except my attitude.

     I'd just like to celebrate my marriage without challenge after challenge affecting that sense of joy. The first year we were so burdened by uncertainty that we did our best to enjoy our nuptials without worry, and we did ok, but to face it again, on the day that I'm supposed to just love every minute and reflect and be feeling great, there is so much stress, due to the interview, that I feel like I've time-warped to last year, again, overwhelmed by something being more important than me.

     For a year I've looked for a lesson, if we had gone to Colordo Springs, Colorado, as our pre-separation orders said, there's a chance we would have lost our home and more, by now. Alright, but.

     I have an amazing life, anything I want with the person I want most, so why am I so pissed off?

     When I left our hotel room to come to the lobby and peruse the internet, rather than keep him awake, the song that was playing was Hayling by FC Kahuna (the first song I ever heard by them, by the way):

Don't think about all those things you fear

Just be glad to be here

Don't think about all those things you fear

Just be glad to be here

    Those are all the lyrics, over and over and over again. Today in the taxi to the hotel, the wedding march came on the radio, I have never heard it played, other than at weddings, so how unusual is that. And there's more, coincidences, lost acquaintances, being across the street from Santa Monica Highschool where I attended a few classes with, and watched, my amazing friend Rima graduate from. I'm in a place that I spent so many summers, from the age of 14, that its like another hometown. But I'm still angry.

     The food, the setting, the company, the music, the damn weather-nothing could be better unless he was here with me instead of having to spend this night almost alone so he can get a foothold in our future. I get it all you writers of love songs, of sonnets and Tracy Chapman, I get it when you would rather just have nothing if you can just have the one you love.

     That's what I've done a less than stellar job of communicating-it doesn't matter what job or if there's a job, it just matters that we have one another.

     Please forgive me for sending out resumes rather than laughing with you on the couch and reassuring you that no matter our income, your love is our most valuable asset. No, doesn't feed us, neither do ideals but when our focus is that love, we have the strength, ambition and motivation to work for more.

     This has not been our year in a nutshell, but in a hotel lounge playing an Astrud Gilberto remix and serving very sorry excuses for a gin and tonic.